Should you keep your secrets? And how to know when to tell the truth, and when not to?

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Journalists from Tagesspiegel, relying on research by psychologist Michael Slepian from Columbia Business School (USA), author of the book "The Secret Life of Secrets," try to understand how exactly secrets affect a person and why silence is not always harmless.

Slepian claims: everyone has secrets, but they are not all the same. On average, a person has 13 secrets — eight of which they hide only from certain people, and five they reveal to no one. Most often, people conceal lies, secret crushes, and sexual desires.

The reasons for secrets can be very diverse — from biological to social. In nature, for example, even chimpanzees hide food stashes to gain a survival advantage. In human society, the mechanisms are similar, though more complex. Teenagers conceal their plans to avoid parental control. Adults hide betrayals — out of shame, fear of losing relationships, or fear of judgment.

There are also "positive" secrets — for example, when a person prepares a birthday surprise or does not disclose information to protect others (say, during an investigation). But there are also completely different cases — when secrets are used to maintain power and avoid responsibility. In such situations, silence can have serious consequences for the environment.

Despite this diversity, all secrets share one common feature: the fear that their disclosure will change something — in relationships, in self-perception, or in life in general.

Not all secrets bring pain

However, not every secret becomes a burden. As Slepian emphasizes, the main thing is not the mere fact of having a secret, but how often a person thinks about it. While an average secret comes to mind about three times a week, people think about the most oppressive secrets up to 20 times a week. This also increases the effort required to keep them.

Experiments confirm this. In one of them, participants were asked to intensely think about a secret that greatly bothered them, and then to estimate how steep a hill in front of them was. Those who were more immersed in their difficult thoughts saw it as significantly steeper. In other words, psychological burden affects even how we perceive the physical world.

Slepian explains it this way: a secret requires "space in the head" — like a file on a hard drive. It constantly occupies a part of one's resources and makes other tasks more difficult. Therefore, even everyday tasks can seem more tiring if a person often returns to difficult memories — for example, to a concealed betrayal.

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Three mechanisms behind a secret

According to the researcher, three main mechanisms stand behind particularly difficult secrets. The first is shame: the more a person considers a secret morally problematic, the more intensely they experience it. The second is isolation: when it seems that you are alone with this and no one else will understand you. The third is misunderstanding: when a person cannot logically explain their own action, because it was caused by emotions.

How strongly guilt can affect the body was shown by an experiment by Australian psychologist Brock Bastian. He divided students into groups: one group talked about normal social contacts, the second — about situations in which they ignored or rejected someone. Then both groups held their hands in icy water — the "cold pressure test" is a standard procedure in pain research.

It turned out that those who thought about their own bad deeds kept their hand in cold water for an average of more than twenty seconds longer — although they rated the pain as stronger. After the icy water, their feeling of guilt noticeably decreased. In the control group, who held their hand in warm water, this effect was significantly weaker.

Psychologist Bastian explains this as follows: physical pain can act as a kind of self-punishment, and those who suffer afterwards feel morally "cleaner."

Similar mechanisms probably operate in the case of secrets. In a joint study, Slepian and Bastian asked participants to think either about a bad deed they were keeping secret, or about one they had already confessed. Then, using a questionnaire, participants rated how strongly they felt the need to be punished for that deed.

Those who thought about what they were keeping secret more often felt they deserved punishment. At the same time, these participants found it harder to accept kindness and pleasant experiences — as if they did not feel worthy of it. Instead, they showed a greater willingness to subject themselves to unpleasant or difficult experiences. For example, participants in this group were more likely to choose a game that could potentially cause pain in their hands.

According to Slepian, this may indicate that by keeping a secret, a person seemingly deprives themselves of the opportunity to restore moral balance — and therefore seeks other ways to "pay" for the act. However, this does not mean that all people with secrets actually systematically punish themselves in everyday life — these are laboratory observations.

The power of confession

This leads to the main question: should one confess? Slepian answers it cautiously. Keeping difficult secrets can be challenging — even if we are rarely asked about them. And the more unfinished a situation feels, the stronger the desire to share.

Therefore, if a secret bothers you, it's worth at least considering telling someone about it. Ideally — a person who can be understanding and non-judgmental. Sometimes it can even be a complete stranger. It's no wonder people often open up to psychotherapists, bartenders, or taxi drivers.

More often than not, fears about confession prove unfounded if the "right ears" are chosen.

Research shows that people react to others' secrets more positively than we tend to think. Many are even glad that a secret has been entrusted to them. Instead of judging, they perceive another's sincerity as a sign of trust. From a psychological perspective, a well-known mechanism is at play here: if someone is close to us, we tend to explain their bad deeds by circumstances, rather than character traits.

At the same time, the researcher notes: if a person feels comfortable with their secret, they are not obligated to open up to anyone. Even if the question is asked directly, there is always an opportunity to evade — change the topic, joke, or simply say that you don't want to talk about it.

If you are unsure whether to reveal a secret, you can ask yourself a few questions. What do I hope to achieve with this confession? What consequences will it have for the other person? Could they find out about it another way? And would they even want to know about it?

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