How not to turn a discussion into a "bulbasrach"? And is it normal to ban people on social media?

Aliaksandr, an instructor of the "Communication Skills" course at the "Nation of Leaders" educational hub, answers these questions.

You can sign up for the free online course "Communication Skills" via this link. The course starts on March 2, so don't delay. The classes are designed for two months.

— How to understand that a discussion is turning into a "bulbasrach"?

— You need to pay attention to "red flags". For example, you left a comment in a discussion — and at that very moment, people attacked you. Stop at some point and calmly reread the dialogue. For instance, the conversation started with discussing a potato variety and ended with an argument about the political situation in Belarus.

It would be good if you make sure that you are not led outside the boundaries of a specific topic. As soon as the interlocutor crosses the line — it means you are already being manipulated, they are imposing their game on you. In such cases, it's better to stop and observe what is happening from the sidelines.

— And how to maintain these boundaries?

— It's good if there's a moderator in the discussion who monitors participants and reminds them of the rules if necessary. But on social media, of course, disputes are usually uncontrolled. There are two interesting points. Firstly, if you want to express yourself, you have the right to do so. But at the same time, you must understand that any opinion can "come back to haunt you".

It's good if you immediately define the rules of the discussion. For example: "I want to express my opinion on this issue. I understand that other opinions also have the right to exist. I am interested in your thoughts, but not insults or overly emotional statements — they will only cause confusion in the general conversation." This will help you immediately set the direction of the discussion.

Later, if someone starts writing things unacceptable to you, you can always refer back to your earlier request not to do so.

— Why is it that for Belarusians, even harmless discussions — hypothetically "How much I miss syrki (cheese curds)" — quickly turn into a "bulbasrach"?

— Let's imagine a typical situation: a boss came to work angry. And everyone looks at him and also starts to get angry. But instead, it's better to think: what happened to him that affected him so much?

If we understand or at least try to understand why a person wrote what they wrote, we often change our attitude towards the comment. So if you see that someone is trying to instigate a "bulbasrach", think about what they want to achieve. Maybe they want attention? Maybe social media is the only place where they can express themselves, and they have no one else to talk to?

I always try to build a profile of the person and understand what drives them. What do they do what they do for? Maybe to boost their self-esteem? Hypothetically, they lie on the couch and start to feel like a general of "couch armies". In real life, they lack something, so in a Facebook dispute, they want to feel important.

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If you feel that someone is persistently pushing you, answer: "Please explain how your position differs from mine? Let's compare them."

And when you make a reference to your positions, you bring the person back to a constructive dialogue. Thanks to comparative analysis, there is a chance not to get carried away by emotions.

Find out the pros and cons of both positions. This will allow you to play on your own territory. Then the person won't drag you away, because you will keep returning to the initial theses.

— How to distinguish an argument from manipulation?

— Sometimes you can only understand it at the end of the conversation. But, probably, the main "red flag" is when a person states something to you in an unappealable way. You can immediately ask: "Why do you claim that? On what is your opinion based?" If the person answers with axioms, that should be a signal for you.

— But at some point, one might genuinely realize that the interlocutor is right, and you were mistaken in something.

— And this is an important moment, when it's necessary to talk about acknowledging mistakes and gratitude. Even if you managed to argue with someone, it works well. Call them and tell them how you felt. For example: "I felt bad for two days. Firstly, I don't like arguing. Secondly, it hurt me very much that I argued with such a wonderful person. And thirdly, I am very grateful that you helped me understand this issue. I will agree with you after all."

In fact, most people find it difficult to admit their mistakes. They will stand their ground until the very end, even after they have realized that their position is wrong: pride gets in the way.

Therefore, people who can admit their mistakes are respected. Not with a condescending "Well, okay, you won," but through gratitude — "Thank you for helping me understand."

— To what extent is it acceptable to ban opponents on social media? Is it censorship or communication hygiene?

— It seems to me that it all depends on the opponent. If a person writes something very unpleasant, of course, the easiest thing for you will be to ban them. But if they wish, they will create a new account and come back to you.

Designers have a trick: turn a defect into an effect. A person who seems like a destructive pendulum to you can sometimes be used as an ally or as a critical voice.

That is, you publish something and keep in mind that this person will immediately start criticizing. You can immediately play ahead and write: "I would like to hear the constructive opinion of this person."

Most likely, that person will criticize you again, but not as aggressively as usual. And after that, write them words of thanks: "Thank you for such interesting thoughts."

And try to perceive them not as an enemy, but as a critical voice. Sometimes it is enough to change the name for a phenomenon to change your attitude towards it.

You should guard against the first desire to immediately ban. Because the brain always suggests the simplest solutions — familiar and comfortable for us. But that doesn't mean they are always correct.

By the way, even in hateful comments, you can find a positive — thanks to them, your post will be promoted on social media, gathering more views.

But if this is the norm for the person, then nothing is likely to help them. Ban them and forget about it.

— By the way, not everyone knows how to react calmly even to objective criticism.

— Because it's a normal reaction of our brain — any criticism is perceived as a potential threat. It threatens our security, our own world. And we primarily perceive criticism as an attack on the personal.

Ask clarifying questions: "What exactly don't you like? How could it have been done better?" Any criticism should have a conclusion — and not just insulted each other and parted ways offended.

Understanding mistakes helps us learn.

A technique that helps well in conflict situations is to talk specifically about your feelings. Not "you irritate me," but "when you do this, I feel very unpleasant."

If you feel overwhelmed by emotions, look for a way to ground yourself — for example, wash your face. Or go outside to get some fresh air, let your body relax.

The same applies to online disputes. If emotions overwhelm you — don't answer immediately. Return to the conversation when you have calmed down.

On February 16, registration for the free online course "Communication Skills" from "Nation of Leaders" began. In the course, you will master the skill of meaningful dialogue, where every word builds bridges, not walls. You will learn not only to listen but also to hear your interlocutor beyond the noise of your own thoughts, and to speak in a way that people understand you correctly and listen to your words.

Classes start on March 2. The course is designed for two months.

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